Shriek! I’m old and I don’t have a plan!

How did I get here? I shouldn’t be in this position. When I was 20 I would have never expected to still not know what to do with my life at 43! You’re supposed to have it all sussed out! You’re supposed to have a career, money, a family, a car, and lots of nice things. And a plan. You’re supposed to have a life plan.

Instead, I have nothing of the above. I’ve been a Project Manager, then a police officer, then an Admin Coordinator and now a Business Support Officer.

Life is not supposed to work like that. I don’t have a plan! I can’t decide on a career. One day I want to be a personal trainer, next day I want to be a nutritionist. Or both. Then maybe a primary school teacher. Or a ranger. A ranger would be good and definitely a writer. It’s ludicrous. I must have a plan!

Or do I?

Maybe it’s society that expects me to have a plan. Maybe I don’t need a plan. But if I don’t need a plan, why do I feel so unsettled? Why do I feel as if I haven’t found yet what I am looking for? And what AM I looking for? Something to settle this weird feeling that something is missing in my life. Without knowing what I am actually looking for and what is missing, this will be a very difficult and long search. What if I never get there?

Society puts a lot of pressure on us. We have to be a certain way at a certain stage in our lives. We have to have achieved something. We have to have a career – make steady money. We have to start a family. Become a valued member of society.

I think it’s all rubbish. I think that I already am a valued member of society, and I haven’t even got a car! I think that maybe the feeling inside me, the constant search for what is missing is a result of not being able to fulfil society’s expectations in me. Maybe because it’s stupid? What if I spend my life searching only to finally realise that nothing was missing after all?

I am going to go on a journey to figure it out.

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